Really people? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not going to some fandangled resort to have a holiday and pick up blokes. I'm having major surgery. I only tart myself up a couple of times a year as it is, I'm certainly not going to worry if my lips are the right shade of 'Berry my Treasure' pink the moment I wake up in recovery.
I guess as the saying goes 'If you want something done properly and you don't have the money to hire someone much more qualified than yourself to do it, then suck it up and do it yourself'. So here is it...
- Jarmies, dressing gown and fluffy pink slippers (if you don't have pink slippers, then make sure they are at least fluffy)
- Comfy granny undies and a wire free bra. We're not going for sexy here, we want to be comfy. After major abdominal surgery the last thing you want is to have tight, restrictive knickers with lace that gets caught up in your glued up wounds and who wants a wire digging into your armpit while you lounge about in bed? However we do not want to scare the locals so some form of chest support is a must.
- Basic toiletries. Obviously toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, shower gel, deodorant, perfume etc. I'm not bothering with shampoo and conditioner as my hair will be fine for three days without being washed and it takes forever to dry so I don't want to stink up the ward with wet hair smell for 12 hours.
- If, like me, you have broken eyes remember to take contact lens solution and a case but also backup glasses for when cleaning fake eyes become too much of a bother but you still want to see.
- Mobile phone and charger. Staying in touch with the outside world is important. If the zombie apocalypse occurs whilst you are in hospital, you need to know to bunker down. This is, strangely enough, the overnight bag I'm taking. Paranoia? Or Preparedness? You decide.
- Lip balm (NOT lipstick). Fluids will be withheld until the Barium Swallow test to make sure there are no leaks and it's common to get a very dry mouth and cracked lips. Lip balm will help reduce the homicidal urges you feel towards the PSA as she flits past your bed and give coffee to everyone else in the room bar you.
- A Kindle/e-Reader/Book. Some heathens do not enjoy reading but I have the Complete Sherlock Holmes Collection by Sir Arthur to occupy the spare moments when my adoring fans aren't visiting.
- Chewable vitamins. My dietician said to start chewing vitamins as soon as I'm allowed to swallow more than saliva so I have me chewable multivitamins, calcium and iron tablets from Bandbuddies
- Some people have suggested that your own pillow, a sleep mask and earplugs can be useful if you find it hard to sleep in hospital but to be honest, the nurses are going to be prodding you awake all through the night anyway so why bother with extra baggage?
- Comfy clothes for the drive home. These can be the same clothes as you arrived in since the fashion police rarely patrol hospitals so you should be able to make it home without a fine from them.
With packing out the way, I'm all good to go! I did my final weigh in this morning and at 101.5kgs I'm really happy with that pre-op loss. I just hope my liver is all pretty and slim for Dr D.
The next time I speak to you, it will be from the sleeved side! Wish me luck! xxx